Guyanese Story: "Uncle Desmond"

Mammy tell me and meh sista that we had to stay with Auntie Joan. Auntie Joan wasn’t really we auntie, she is juss mammy far off cousin – but yuh know how dat does go, anybody older than we and close to we family is “Auntie” or “Uncle.”

Auntie Joan Mumma- Auntie Patsie use to live wit she and so did deh mumma man – Uncle Desmond.

Now let me tell you bout Uncle Desmond. He was duh most laziest man I eva encounta in meh life, lawd knows he did lazy bad bad bad. He is a short man an he hair de look like it ah run way from he farid. Uncle Desmond use to wear dem ole time sweet boy clothes and always smiling up and ting fuh show aff he gold teeth. Dah chain on he neck de look like one a dem ting chainman does sell under dah big tree by da bridge. Ah never understan what Auntie Patsie de see inna dat man. Auntie Patsie always use to seh to he

“ Meh deh wid yu rass even when tings bad, an all now yu nuh find wuk yet feh buy me sumting pretty, all now, all yuh a do is siddung in de room and crass up meh life – yuh is a burden pon meh yuh know?!”

An she right, dat man was lazy and full o crasses. I rememba he used to tek advantage a me and meh lil sista. He never wan go get he own bucket a water fe bath, so he used to tek way we own – after we slave fuh it.
You know how back home some a we nah have showah or water droping from the pipes in we home, so we had to go in the yard and full bucket fi bath. Half a di bucket fuh dip with a butter containa and rinse, an de other half fuh wash off deh sweet soap [we neighba dem did always use to deh asking we fuh piece a soap – but dat is another story]. Me an meh sista would lif we medium size bucket ah water up to the shower and BAP! – outta no weh Uncle Desmond would pop out wid he towel wrap around he an a big empty bucket.

Uncle Desmond, “ dash de watah from dem two lil buckets in my own an go back and fetch ya’ll watah”

We hated dat man so bad, sometime I did wan to poison he bush tea. So what we started to do was, mek sure we lif he watah fuss and den get we own – cause he would tief it anyway.

Uncle Desmond neva like to go to church with Auntie Patsie, he was a sinna and bucket o wata tief… and always used to seh

"when God mek rum drop fram de sky den I can praise him, fuh now, I got to wait till you give he money fuss in he offering box, den fuh get me own when you come fram church"

Auntie Patsie said to him one day, " carry yuh skunt, bout wait fuh me, like you got sumting to do - yuh ain't got no jab, yuh always pissin drunk an de lass time meh check - is me money, nat yu own - go get a wuk!"

Uncle Desmond use to drink out deh small change Auntie Patsi give he. One time she did get real mad and share he some licks wit de pot spoon. Now, yuh might be tinking, how dat man mek he woman lick he like dat?!. Well, Auntie Patsi is a fat woman, ah mean, she is bout 200 pounds and tuff tuff tuff... Uncle Desmond ex-woman use to seh dat Auntie Patsie need fuh get stuff in a pressure cooka fuh soften she tuff face. Dat ex-woman deh get a beating from Auntie Patsie one day, lef she bitta fuh life. Auntie Patsie don't joke, she does cuss stink and loud. When she lazy man wan act up - she buss he rass an keep money from he.

Back to Uncle Desmond an he drunk self. He use to go pik up Auntie Patsie after wuk - she did always come home around 7pm.
EH EH!!!! One day we in de street playin catcha wit we lil friends dem... an while I on de catcha topic, ah gon tell yuh something - meh lil sista use to change she clothes tree times in one afternoon, she did think dat no one would recognize she jerry curls juice head or sumting.

So yeah, EH EH!! OH LAWDIE OOO... Auntie Patsie come walkin in deh street looking vex vex vex. When I seh vex, maaannn, she look like somebody eat all she pepperpot pon a christmas day... All a we stop playin and stand up hand a kimbo. Auntie Joan was hanging deh wet clothes on de line in deh front yard. She walk up to the gate lookin at Auntie Patsi face, confused.

"Mammy, why yuh din get a ride wit Desmond, wey he deh, he did lef here fram long time yuh know. mammy, wat appen?"

Auntie Patsie explain, " yuh know dat good fah noting skunthole forget me an ride off?"

Auntie Joan, "wat yuh mean he ride off, I in understan yuh man?"

At this point, all we see is Uncle Desmond riding in, wadling pon de bicycle an he de lookin real scared. The neighbors started to move dem blinds by dem windows and some a dem come out pon de varanda fuh watch. Me and meh lil sista look at one anotha an smile, cause we know sumting happen an Uncle Desmond might get de pot spoon acrass he head. He deserves it, he always gat we fetching watah fuh he and meking he daisy bush tea... lazy good fuh noting man
So all a we stan up fuh hear some tekcups...

Auntie Patsie look pon he wit disgust, tek she fingers dem and shove he in he head as she continued, '' dis fucking man come and get me from wuk, fuss of all, he late and buggin me fuh money to go to HarryLall Rumshop. I tell he fuh cool heself and lef meh alone, a tired, wuk all day an a hungry. I jump on pon de bak a de bike as usual and hole on pon he ... yuh know, de everyday routine. Almost a mile away fram hey he wadling wadling, drunk as usual and DRAPS!! I fall aff the fucking bike back an dis muddaskunt gon continue to ride wey like a mad man. I stan up deh in shock, a couldn't even get a word fuh come out meh mouth. He disappear up deh road an I lef standing pon de corna. To mek de mattas wuss..."

Everybody lookin like deh wan laugh, but too scared and shock like Auntie Patsie... Uncle Desmond standin deh, looking like he gettin bored a de explaination and trying to not look so drunk...
My lil sista looked at me and whispa, "bambalickybambam"
I wanted to laugh so bad, but I might get licks to...

Auntie Patsie, " To mek mattas wuss, I had to walk all de way up de road by maself. Something tell me fuh pass by HarryLall Rumshop fuh ask he if dis drunk jackass was in he shap earlier an how much he spend in deh - an guess who I see gulping down a bottle a banks beer - this lazy ass, wutliss man a mine. Yuh wan see how fast he pelt down de bottle, stuttering bout ''baby, I was looking fuh you''. yuh can believe duh?''

Auntie Joan, '' wuh yuh mean he was lookin fuh you, Uncle Desmond, yuh didn't realize she drop off de bike?"

Uncle Desmond took de opportunity to seh he piece, " I din know she naw deh pon de back a de back till I was almost home... den I went looking all ova fuh she and meh naw see she no way. I even ask people if deh see she, worry real bad... and all de worryin mek me had to pass by de rumshop to calm meh nerves. She come in an mussie tink I forget about she, but is de nerves and stress a de stressing an praying fuh she to get home safe''

Auntie Patsie grab he bicycle and pelt it one side, " wait, yuh wan pray now? is now you praying? de only ting you a pray fa is rum, yuh fucking rum boogie. Yuh rass lie, yuh is a blasted fool.. how you neva feel a big fat woman like me fallin aff yuh bike back. De bicycle should a feel light, how you couldn't feel duh, yuh tink you smart bout you was worryin? Yuh skunthole gon sleep pon yuh bike tonite, yuh nah come in meh house... yuh dun wuk noway and always drunk... dis a de last straw... de only time yuh arse gettin in hay is wit a jab."

Auntie Joan try fuh calm she down, " Mammy, juss go inside and relax, de neighbor dem do haffi know we business and Uncle Desmond, yuh ought to be ashame a yuhself, really and truly"

Uncle Desmond, " is naw me fault she fall off, I is de drunk one an me never fall off me bike yet, I tired a she cussing me bout look a wuk... I gon get a jab, watch lil joke, an a wan see who she gon talk down to... I waste me time worry bout ... *kisses teeth*"

Auntie Joan, " go do dat then, find a wuk!"

Me an meh sista buss out one piece a laughing pon Uncle Desmond and so did the neighbors. We couldn't understan how he naw feel dat big hefty woman falling off the bike back and how he got the nerves to go drink bout he worried...

Next Morning, Auntie Patsie preparing fa wuk an all we hear is Uncle Desmond calling she an ringing he bicycle bell. She stick her head out de window fuh see what that mad, lazy man wan.

"Didn't I tell yu fuh move from meh yard? Go look a jab!''

Uncle Desmond, " I got a jab man, I got a jab!"

Auntie Patsie, " how yuh get jab suh fass and it tek yuh skunt 5 years a trying and crassing up meh life?

Uncle Desmond. " look woman, a gat a jab an it full time to"

Auntie Patsie, " which part yuh wuking now?''

Uncle Desmond, " at HarryLall Rumshop as a security guard! "

To mek a long story short, Uncle Desmond still wuking at dat rum shop to dis day an as for Auntie Patsie, she still deh wit he. She neva went back pon that bike an he neva beg she a cent after dat.
As for me and meh lil sista, we took de plane ride back to babylon and never had to fetch water for Uncle Desmond eva again... I wonda if he does still get pot spoon in he head?...

Written by Yolanda T. Marshall
Based on a true story... "The life and times of Miss Marshall" Collection. 2006